A Personal Reflection From a CAPS Member

Making Faith Sense of HIV

by Abigail Chakanyuka

My husband passed away in November 1993. He had been unwell for the past two years. These two years were very challenging. I watched him going through immense pain. I was gripped with lots of fear witnessing such a gruesome part of his journey of life. As I looked at him taking his last breath, I thought to myself “Who is next”?

On his death certificate it stated the cause of death as “AIDS-related illness”. This phrase stayed with me for a very long time. I thought to myself, where does this leave me? A bible verse came to mind, which says, if it had not been the Lord who was on my side, I do not think I would be standing here today.

Here I was, left with four children, and very little money. I straight away knew I had to do something to change my situation and I decided to come to the United Kingdom to further study in order to better myself, which in turn would benefit my family.

In 1996, I enrolled at a college where I studied holistic therapies. I qualified as a therapist and got a job on a cruise liner. I was given a ‘six-months-on and four-weeks-off’ contract and in 1999, I went on my first voyage.

I worked very well and enjoyed my work, but I could not stop thinking of those words: “AIDS-related illness”. Each time I thought of them I had shivers going down my spine. It was a huge burden. I felt as if there was a score to settle with the unknown.

In 2002, in October, I remember not feeling well. I felt so unwell that I failed to perform my duties. With a fever and high blood pressure, I went to see the ship’s doctor who ran many blood tests and ordered me to stay on board to rest when we arrived in Southampton for passenger pick up.

With still no results, the doctor asked to do one more blood test. I agreed.

My condition was getting worse, and I was admitted to the little on-board hospital and I slept… I was woken up by a tap on my shoulder. When I opened my eyes, I saw the senior medical doctor, two nurses and the usual doctor.

I just knew what they wanted to tell me. I was HIV positive.

Strangely enough, I was relieved but at the same time bewildered. There was a silence. They explained that I was to be medically disembarked at the next port and flown back to the UK to seek further medical help. On my way I had a lot of time for thinking... I thought to myself: “This is it. No job, how on earth am I going to send my children to school?”

I hung on to (my) Jesus. My only hope.

I read my bible from Genesis to Revelation. People read the bible for various reasons. This time I read it to form a relationship with Christ. I learned that God will always make a way where there seems to be no way, and he works in ways we cannot see. I then realised that being vulnerable brings me closer to God.

My faith helped me to believe that God is able to heal me. Not cure but heal.

A bible verse that helped me is Numbers 21 vs 8: ‘the lord said to Moses, “make a snake and put it up on a pole, anyone who is bitten can look at it and live”’.

My HIV infection was something like the bite of a snake. It could kill me – but I knew I would live.

I believed so much in this verse that I found my healing in it.

For me, the pole or the stick, represented the cross. If you look at the cross, you will be saved.

Many years later I came across the passage in the gospel of John Chapter 3 when Jesus said:

“Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the wilderness, so the son of man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life.”

I then came to terms with my diagnosis. I became curious, wanting to know what the new me is like. I started volunteering in various HIV organisations.

I embraced my situation. I embraced the cross of HIV. I embraced others.

I became an HIV activist.

I remember visiting a lady in hospital who was finding it difficult to come to terms with her diagnosis. When she saw me, she could not believe that I was living with HIV too. She wanted to know what I did in order to look like what I did.

I visited another lady who attended a certain church in South London. She had been told to stop taking her medication because God had supposedly cured her. I tried to explain to her that you don’t have to stop taking your medication. It is possible to keep on praying and taking medication at the same time.

I found out that faith is very personal. It depends on how one sees God. To some God is very small. People choose what they can share with God, perhaps feeling that God can only handle so much… To others, God is big and they share everything with God.

Faith is something ‘right inside you’ – it’s how you feel about living with HIV. About your belief and where you stand with your God. If your God is small, He will be with you small, if your God is big He will be with you in the midst of big problems and situations.

And so as I asked myself, I ask you: how big is your God?

In our PositiveFaith peer support group, we listen to each other without judging. This enables people to open up, and trust is built between members. A church should be a safe space for everyone without judging and condemning each other.

My faith helps me to believe, and when I believe, I trust and I have a hope that sets me free!!!!